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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Throw Mama From The Train's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
10:17 am
104 degrees
all my bragging about not getting sick has finally caught up to me.... high fever a throat so sore mearly swallowing is as painful as child birth, and to make things worse its super hot in my apartment...maybe watching my cute kitty bite/fuck my 200 dollar shoe will bring a smile to my dehydrated visage. i miss having someone to take care of me!!! have to nanny later today and hope i dont get the kid sick, maybe ill be all scary british au pair and not touch/breathe next to child for fear of displacing his delicate humours...
Monday, July 18th, 2005
9:03 am
oh yeah
so excited as have just used last 60$ to buy a ticket to the tori amos concert in august sure that seats will be shit but whatever im excited and ive never been to jones beach before, going alone but shall make day of it at picturesque boardwalk and LIRR adventure. and no it isnt sad that im going to a tori amos concert alone and havent been this excited since the depeche mode show a few years ago... so shut up

Current Mood: excited
Monday, July 4th, 2005
12:49 pm
hooray for dixie
so after much thought have decided that this years vay-kay shall be to mobile alabama. while there i intend to make up my mind about whether or not we would be better off with the secession of the south from the union and more to the point if they in fact know that theyre still in it. staying with someone ive wanted to spend time with for the longest time so am quite excited regardless of what my final conclusions shall be about the land south of the mason-dixon line... asked abby from work, who is southern, about what one should bring as a survival pack to ala, and was met with a twangy response of bug spray and heterosexuality.. hopefully the unscented version of off shall be enough on both fronts. as ive never been to the south much less alabama im excited to see all my preconceived notions either indisputably reinforced or shattered like the teeth of a mouthy southern wife after hubbys bowled a bad game and had a few too many bud lights. but i kid. mostly am excited to shed my new york skin and all the shit included therein... news on the job front: shall hopefully start nannying for wealthy single so-ho mommy in the next few weeks and as i earn her and her 5 year olds trust shall become her new full time sitter/dog walker for an under the table salary while being able to eat for free play board games with a kid i can win and sit at a park with the career nannys and quietly eyeball their monsters knowing that mine is the most fabulous and well behaved below 14th street... oh sure ill have to pay some dues but i intend to work my way into their close knitted caftan circle and share my knowledge of stain removal/bruise covering makeup tricks, but i kid again... much thanks owed to my fabulous new friend whom i met on flight with prediction that we would become buddies and she has yet to even moderately disappoint... i love love love you!! trust you will receive to most hideous of all southern souvenirs upon my triumphant yankee homecoming, maybe even displayed in an actual carpetbag

Current Mood: southern fried
Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
1:38 am
solstice
i need a rain. one that will wash over me wrap round me and clear the debris from my eyes. walking through it today soaking to the bone spinning in the street with no particular wish for cover. only you could make it perfect, spinning with me, sharing a smirk, letting me know im crazy. a glance at the sky in youre general direction an ominous green/black horizon still here wondering how you are and if youd be kind enough to gawp sometime. everythings changing with the rains... fragile optimistic spring foliage crushed under its incessant nagging tug while you walk realizing youre ducking to avoid what its accomplished slapping you in the face. its been hotter still as steam pours up from beneath the concrete met with the crack of lightning in a freak public summer shower just me the notion of you and soiled hands wiping water out from brown eyes... tell me youve kept it up sometime.

Current Mood: drunk
Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
3:25 am
jacko no more flacko
back from sojourn still dazed from colonapin cocktail pre flight... siting here feeling as though i truly conquered the wild west this time, all goals accomplished. wedding was marvelous as it was catered and the bar was open... my friend looking gorgeous with her off white dress and renaissance style hair pile made even better with her long feathered eye lashes... they wrote their own vows which were beautiful i was totally crying which surprised me because id only had one glass of the white zin by then. oh and the cake the glorious chocolate filled layers reducing my inhibition and permitting me to cut the line to get a hastily cut and much larger "first piece". spent subsequent days resting and making a mad dash to santee alley for cheap stolen designer wears, all items garnered for less than asking price fantastic. on way home we were privy to a one man show performed by a neighboring motorist along the 170, suffice to say there was genitalia and a pink pair of panty hose involved, oh yes and his, still baffling, princess finger wave. it was grossly amusing and i deterred my companions from calling the cops as was the knee jerk reaction... it must happen all the time, surely we werent the first to see baby bear in a dodge pick up jacking off with stockings, and he was really good at driving with his knees... but am forgetting best part on outgoing flight sat next to cute girl who will prove an awesome friend out here when she returns... so yeah pretty happy despite the fact that while away from kittens for first extended period they projectile vomited and shat all over my bed... feel bad i wasnt here also to contend with what leina described as "a war zone" so i told her to get rid of everything and sho'nuff all that remains is an areo bed... by by down mattress pad and matching comforter, maybe theyll be on sale at qvc.com.

Current Mood: mellow
Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
11:52 pm
so hot, i am
i feel like im melting, i am the witch of the west and someones dumped a giant helping of june on my mangled bony body. the mercury climbs ever higher and the hawaii humidity makes one want to leap in front of an mta bus... the second avenue local shall due nicely. quit my job today as am unerappreciated and feel like a stint of unemployment is just what the doctor ordered. am at crossroads in life and never have felt more free... even the looming prospect of real poverty and a life spent alone is a fucking ball step change up from what ive dealt with these past weeks... decided not to pine after 28 year olds who date 20 year olds for the sole purpose of undermining their self worth and the fact that they refuse to deal with the fact that they are too fucked up and maladjusted to date those their own age (another 28 year old would never put up with the amount of bullshit i accept with both hands). feel on cusp of something big and important not sure what but change is imminent and one thing my generations got over yours is the ability to welcome and look foward to change as opposed to viewing it as that strange face in the mirror... the one sagging and withered with all your defeats looking squarely at dead eyes lacking the furvor youre sure they once clung to. so fuck you. i literally danced home with the lightess only uncertainty can bring foward and have realized again that radical sweeping all encompassing change is the only way to dig yourself out of that hole you made with such earnestness. decided to focus on recent positive developments such as people that come back into your life after ages and feeling like you never let them go, the possibility and potential of the new ones youre constantly getting to know, gaining the strengths of people youre surrounded by, and learning from their weakness what youre capable of dealing with... i dont feel exempt from these guidlines despite the fact that im stating them now, rather i hope i can be an example of what to do/not to do, how to behave and what is intolerable because i am all these things and try to be... extreme in good and bad, prudent and reckless, prim and slutty, irreverent and repentant... i say this more for myself than anything else, a constant begging and needyness ive still yet to submit to... im still trying to scramble out of purgatory and into the listlessness of limbo but this familiar uncertainty of future may be just the helping hand ive been trying to substitute with everything else and coming up empty... lets hope so

Current Mood: tired
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
4:26 pm
amstel, chocolate fudge brownie, and smuggled cheam cigarettes ahh tgif!!
ahh a friday night truly worthy of yours truly... did you hear tom and katie are getting married? i always thought their relationship was a sham... i could picture toms bejewled yenta agent saying, "ok tom, mission impossible threes gettin shelved, you know what yould be good faw you wright now? two waads, katie holmes... shes fuckin hot and maybe itll fuinally put those gay rumors to bed... haha no pun intended tommala" all the while chomping on her nicorette gum, "so" she continues as she pulls back a locke of hair so stiff with frederick fekkai hair spray it cracks, "lets do this, you, katie, rome, i see premires maybe cannes, i can already hear the audience at the oprahh show," she pauses to pocket her gum between her perfect porceline veneers and inner mouth aware the constant chewing was distracting- dazzle camoflauge "its guanna write itself darlin, you trust tammy" then an air kiss as he ponders his future, one till recent has been stagnant and filled with scientology and coming/going one trick pony actresses, as nicole graces mag after mag each time looking more and more lovely, sure shes dating trolls but their billionairs who respect her in the now, not once respected actors with a napolean complex... hmm i wish my cats could appreciate this not too unrealistic senario and add input such as her size 2 versace chartruce business skirt suit hermes scarf and pointed aubergine jill stuart stilettos... some may say eww but ive always liked purple and chartruce... we shall consider another day if lindsay lohan/nichole richie/mary-kate olsen are in some creepy weight loss/bag-lady chic obsessed coven as i have a unique insight to prop up a cocaine/speed explaination as ive seen linds partying at cain several times and actually found her black amex card in private one man bathroom sink counter it was a little too clean if you know what i mean...

Current Mood: bored
Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
1:28 pm
give me a break
slater in slammer, oprah teaches me how to be sexy... ticks tocks waiting for applause click click poking at that bulge.. restlessness and questioning yourself your worth and your patience.. virtues have never been your strong suit from a hand kept hidden bluffing becomes more dangerous as the chips stack high as the tower of babel gibberish the punishment for trying to see god your mangled tower crumbled at the slightest movement of a foundation that didnt give you the ok to use it or the endorsement that its stable enough for you to rise upon... having nothing left to loose would be refreshing but lying to yourself has never been as easy as giving your heart away again... each time vowing it will be kept locked and stowed with time to recoup the lost blood but each time its there before you are at the door with the knowledge that its presence will, this time, be enough to compensate for all the skills you sorely lack... each time you think you saw it the light the face the features of a benevolent man god himself asking all you want to know offering up insights and that peace you feel... another play in light reveals a stranger as you feel the tower you so hastily built shift once more and slowly ebb away as chunks fall off a cliff into the waiting hands of those gorgeous sirens who remain so perhaps because their hearts arent theirs to give... finally you wake at the bottom of everything somehow manage to free a tangled limb from beneath the bricks stand up dazed and stare at the sun a shadow hovers above you and you leap with all the strength you forgot you had to snatch it cram it down your gaping mouth and hope if finds its way back into your chest under the safety of adams ribs ave ave mother ive always known do my tears taste as sweet as his?

Current Mood: bored
7:39 am
"get out my fucking cab!"
decision: will spend memorial day weekend as true american. action: get out of work last night 2300 hours... make way to west village target barrow ale house, mission, celebratory drink with friends... three drinks and two shots later... scheduled to meet up with agent rutan and out of town guest, while waiting enjoy more whiskey at neighboring establishment... mission successful feel accomplished so enjoy several more drinks at several different bars... then ambush! whiskey hits fast and hard doubled over expelling all that would come. agent rutan kindly escorted me to taxi as heading downtown proceed to open door at stopped intervals and dry heave... cabbie askes if i am drunk and as i pull my head back out of the gutter exclaim that his duty is to "fucking drive" not to question me... am told to get the fuck out of car and stumble to a sitting position on broadway and fourth... alone without supplies and drunker than a sailor on shore leave proceed to cry and alternately vomit on street... low and behold a couple nearby had flagged down unsuspecting driver i manage to get in before they do and am off once more homeward... miraculously am able to not pass out in cab and offer useful tips on how to get home... able to make it to bathroom lock door and pass out on floor... next bit hearsay as dont remember slightest detail, roommate leina somehow able to pound door hard enough to rouse me from sleep where i walk past her without recognition and fall into bed... waking today at noon look down to see self in same state fully clothed and shoed horrible floods of broken memories begin to wash over my alcohol soaked brain and hoping havent made perfect ass out of self... lesson: america is bad, soldiers are bad, whiskey is good in the right doses.

agent amoroso

Current Mood: hungover
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
10:37 am
always having to remind myself that nothings ever lost completely... a breath of fresh air when i needed it most helping me regain my path a foot hold i didnt even see. something i cant quite yet comprehend or put my finger on but dont feel the need to question... being content alone is fantastic and essential but having a hand there is something you dont realize how much you want till youre faced with it. the inability to open up and all your emotional carry ons obstacles you thought nearly impossible to overcome, its all turning now... and the freedom of honestly having no expectations just having a good time with someone you repect and trust liberating you of your past mistakes. the self described drowning sparrow following the wake of something that seems too good to be true, but too different to be another well known mirage.
thanks new york
(about fucking time)
Monday, April 25th, 2005
3:29 pm
arrival
streets beckon
slurring a seductive siren song
fuck this way
suck at my empty caraffe
bled dry and demanding more
solace on the lap of some smirking stranger
saphire smoke screens
self deluded meandering dreams
a night in the life of a drowning sparrow
greedy palms soaked in the seeping beads
of a longing stare
that seperates us all
your shots fired awaiting reply
silence quells a smouldering rapture
black and deep bruised haunches saddle up
once more
another stream of callers to section
your proprty off
a value youve yet to specify
Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
3:17 pm
what are you looking at
grinding again 3000 miles away and it's all closer than ever. the self torturing questions and stolen glances that are returned with responses meant to dam the river thats now flooding out of control... surrounded by everyone and feeling more obscure and lost than ever... the hollow pit thats constantly scanning the moving faces for a trace of reciprocation finding only averted eyes and sticky fingers. fleeting solace in dark watering holes reeking of desperation and dolce/gabbanna for men. characters that dance together with greedy lips and eyes... finally finding one for yourself a shared taxi ride and a clean apartment with something warm doing its best to fill that grumbling pit... what are poppers? another tidal wave that can crash into you and help ease this transition this regression its all you know and want for that matter. alone traveling fast crosstown away from a memory best repressed looking at the twinkling man made stars that overwhelm the horizon provides the comfort you remember from all those miles away and millions of years ago spent with yourself...
Monday, February 9th, 2004
3:30 pm
fancy seeing you here
conscience swells... i thought i lost you, you little bitch. i know i know what youre going to say already so save your breath. i siezed a moment and in the end i got what i wanted... as far as i can see at the very least. i can feel myself falling slowly... where are you when i want you around? too quick to abandon me in the heat of a moment... youll return when im cold and alone trying to light my cigarette... i can turn the music up.

make him up. conceal faults, enhance features, and make me a little harder. i wonder how long this will last.
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
11:36 pm
just when you think its over
the plague returns. sitting. breathing stale ashy air. thinking. scheming. bearing a bitter smile and laughing at its own jokes. ive heard that one before it seems. nothing new. nothing that surprises me. people never cease surprise you. which is in itself both bad and good. the perspective is always changing shifting keeping you on your toes. losing yourself in a tide of bullshit. drowning in the thick mass. get out of it for a few seconds and youll never want to go back inside. call me crazy i wanna keep dry now. im tired of swimming. its nice to finally have some help along the way.
Saturday, June 21st, 2003
9:59 pm
hail mary full of grace the lord is with thee blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit
ave maria was sung acapella as i walked my grandfathers casket down the long aisle at saint mel's catholic church right on the middle of ventura blvd. i along with five other men i hadnt met or couldnt remember. the rosary lasted an hour as father mcconnels slow irish brouge repeated 10 hail marys, an our father, 10 hail marys, an our father and so on. i cant recall a recent occasion my grandfather came to where he wasnt ill... first he got a cane then a walker then those crutches that attach to your arms. only now do i appreciate him for all he did for the family he must have loved a great deal. when my mother told me the news tuesday at 1 in the morning i wasnt quite sure what to feel, so i felt sympathy. my step father was devestated and my mother wasnt holding up well either. so friday came, the day of the rosary, i was fine on the way there, i was fine when we hauled the heavy charcoal gray casket draped in the american flag out of the back of the modern hearse (i didnt know cadillac made one)... i was fine as we came down the marble aisle... the viewing was immediately after the rosary. i walked up to the man i had known most of my life and i wasnt fine anymore. surrounded by all the extended family, friends, veterans, funeral directors, grandson's of italy, etc, i felt sick. seeing him lying there, wearing more make up than tammy fae baker i wanted to vomit, but under there was my grandfather, not by name or blood, but certainly the only gradfather who i remember, and who gave a damn about me, he was there. his brown hands clutching wooden rosarys and a microphone (he was a singer) his tux perfect, his bow tie straight... i clasped his cold hand looked into his face and expected him to say goodbye instead of me. i started tearing up and left my family to pay their respects. i regained composure and waited near the blessed mother statue for my cue to drag the coffin back down the aisle. the funeral would be tomorrow, same place same duty. death traditions are all at once odd, comforting, and necessary. its strange how the completion of the funeral today let everyone breathe again. the tears are all gone and the memories are allowed to come again. afterwards we all regrouped at a relatives house in north hollywood, overate, drank way too much, some danced and sang, others slept. it was fun... the only time the ambivalence of children (which there were quite a few) didnt upset me. today was a good day, long but good...
Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
9:56 pm
not your fault
she said no. her pretty porcelain face cracked with the contact of his fist. no one will hear you say no. delicate wrists no match for brute strength. make up runs as virginity takes its leave. the blood soaks the sheets as it longs for tear's transparency. he thrusts one two three more times... she counts the violations and wants nothing more than to close her big blue eyes and black out. finishing he withdraws blood and all the cork removed the wine really flows. she's silent the tears all gone infancy revisited jesus christ what now. she can feel the warmth between her legs as she buttons up her pants. she falls to the floor and lies in the corner. sleep cant come as easy as he can.
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003
12:33 am
Saturday, May 31st, 2003
10:48 pm
synthetic bliss
it wasnt all its cracked up to be. bad lighting, bad sound system, and only slightly above average on the looks mark. going with someone you fancy isnt a good idea, i suspected, and later confirmed. feeling all alone in a strange club in echo park while drunk isnt a good idea either i soon discovered. making out with a complete stranger because he was the only person actually paying you attention seemed like a great idea, but not when i saw the look in his eyes after we got back to his friends hollywood hills mansion. him telling me to leave when i was completly drunk and telling me never to call him again wasnt such a great way to end our five day friendship. not knowing where the hell you are at four in the morning and having to navigate the various lookout points mountains and peaks all by yourself will sober you up right quick. him leaving me on the dancefloor when i had done nothing wrong made me not feel so bad for later finding 20 minutes worth of fun on a couch with someone i wouldnt be able to recognise in the daylight and who couldnt even kiss that well. the abrubt ending was jarring but nothing i wont be able to handle. feeling like the biggest prick in all of la county (its a big county too) is something i cant handle all too well. tamirikoff is the worst absolute worst vodka ever.

Current Mood: discontent
Saturday, May 24th, 2003
11:10 pm
en route
passionless and disturbing... the tupperwear seal didnt lock and ive turned. the all indicating smell test deems me unfit for consumption. "toss it, there's more at the store"... you wont even give me the chance to get inside you the chance to release whatever toxins i may posess... ill taste good on the way down i promise, dont i look good enough to eat?
maybe i cant fool you like i once could, i cant mask my corroborating odor anymore... maybe its best for you to run before i can make my move you look nice enough... ill perch back atop my post again after youve gone though and await the next host. heres hoping i survive the period in transit... my body temperature is dropping quickly now and i need someone to leach from...
a parasite thinks only of them self
a parasite lives only off of others
Saturday, May 3rd, 2003
10:57 pm
chinatown
the syringe is empty and long since withdrawn from my narrow vein but its memory lingers, the sting is still fresh and that bruise still still wont fade. can you trick yourself into believing you dont love him anymore? that youre content with just friends when you still feel that sting? when you still notice that bruise? those big brown eyes still hang there devoid of the emotion youre sure yours are conveying... his animation is boring and insulting. is this him? or a ploy to make you feel a bit lighter... as if that were a possibility. youre happy only when your with the other one. the one who admits his affection and treats you how youve always wanted to be. you didnt think you could look at someone like that again but you see it happening slowly... you wonder if its love if it isnt fast paced, overemotional, and ultimately self destructive... we were in two different places at once racing each other to a red light... my long lean legs were no match for your short muscular version i ought to have seen that when we set off running but it all does me no good now and i wont let it fuck up this "healthy" thing ive got going on now... i cant let you hurt me again
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